"It" Phase : : November 22, 2009

written and directed by yahn at 01:45 AM in Book Of The Yahn as a favorite post.

Today, I move on.

I already said it before, about two days ago, last November 19. My sis' sharing has shone me some light. Thank God for that. And now I'm just enlightened--on how to actually do so.

I have come to realize that it all starts with the decision to act on what you want. As I've told my friend, "I don't really need anyone or anything to take my mind off him. All I had to do to start getting my life back is to simply decide that I will move on." I definitely do not need or even want a rebound, and keeping me busy won't make me as much happy as well. I have to be happy... on my own.

Good thing my sis and I drank last Tuesday. We were throwing our stories with one another. She was so broken-hearted, not to mention it was her birthday then. Tsk. Stories of sadness, already answered questions that we keep asking, tears that won't stop flowing. And that one testimonial of another sis for this broken-hearted sis knocked some sense into me.

She was relenting her version of moving on. Yes, we noticed the sadness in her face, and the struggle she's been through. And now we look at her, we'd definitely agree that she has been better. She has succeeded. And she simply started with a decision--making a CHOICE. A difficult choice that takes pretty much a long process--and time and energy--but has a lasting, maturing consequence.

And eventually, I had to admit it. I couldn't move on. I wasn't moving on. All because I haven't really made the decision. I wanted to, but I have never really decided to.

All the while, I was stuck. Upon hearing the testimonial, I wanted to act, and decide already. But of course, I had to think, as always. I asked, "What kept me holding on, anyway?" And I've come to terms with the truth: I wanted to know what he had in mind. Before I really give up, I had to know if I'm wasting my chance or my assumptions have been right all along. I wanted to see if it was just me or it was really mutual. I wanted it to come from his own mouth, not from his actions. I wanted to hear it instead of conclude it.

Thinking about it made me back out a bit. Maybe I should wait and tell him first before I actually do it. Then again, that's only prolonging the agony. It would be really stupid of me to be stuck this long--and actually to choose being so. So I realized that I really do have to move on already. Life goes on and it stops for no one--not ever. I always knew I'll move on eventually, someday. Thus, I have decided that someday is NOW.

About two days ago, my sis and I went to Ministop on a very early morning. As we chatted, I've remembered my old happiness and happen to share that realization with her: that I have been happy before he came in to my life. I was so contented with my life already without him! When he came, he just made it happier for me. Now I realize, such 'disillusionment' does not always last, maybe not even in a good way. I figured that the trend was that happy, happier, then sad. Once you get 'happier,' you don't step down to being happy again; you sink down to sadness, or maybe even worse.

Still, the good news is that, happiness is still there--and it always will. You've been happy before, why not be so again? I think that's what 'disillusionment' does: making us happier, forgetting how to be happy on our own. It already happened--can't it happen again?

So right now, I'm in the process of regaining that happiness of mine. As I've said, I do not want love for now; HAPPINESS is what I wish for. The goal now is to be happy. Happier will come later.

Moving on. Step one. Decision. Choice. Check! Now I'm on step two: planning. What do I do now? I'm now reliving my good ol' hopes and aspirations. Here comes the new me.

Already, I'm beginning to be happy.

PS: I was supposed to post FOR THE LAST TIME the things I remember about him, what he has taught me. Then again, I think I have reminisced pretty much long enough. Time to get rid of his memoirs. It's me and GOD time again! I'm loving this.

Love (Pass It On) is running through my head
The Rebound is blocking my sight

1 screamed with me

CAN I HANDLE IT? : : November 20, 2009

written and directed by deeflores at 11:55 AM in Personal.

In order of due dates:

Print 2 Mid-Critique for Personal Assignment

Scupture 1 Final Critique Multiples Assignment

Design 2 Final Critique 100 images Assignment

Game Design and Theory - Group Game Presentation and 10-page essay

How and Why of Computing - Wikipedia Assignment

Print Media 2 Final Critique

How and Why of Computing Final Exam

2 screamed with me

What's the sense in waiting? : : November 16, 2009

written and directed by yahn at 11:55 AM in Book Of The Yahn.

As Lovers Go
Dashboard Confessional 

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side."
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go so don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes. 
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go so don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes. 
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

Dashboard Confessional's As Lovers Go is running through my head

oh come on..

Three : : November 15, 2009

written and directed by yahn at 09:25 PM in Whore-iffic Memoirs as a favorite post.

Emotions are so intense, they can cloud one's judgment.

Just the thought of you makes me like you.

I'm loving this life. Even just for now.

oh come on..

When you can't admit what you want : : November 15, 2009

written and directed by yahn at 06:20 PM in Book Of The Yahn.

All I want is happiness.

And it really pains me to admit this.

Because all it means is that I haven't been exactly happy all along.

And if I don't make it known that I'm LYING all along...

I wonder what will happen now.

Can someone please help me make myself happy?

Emo sh*t.

You'd think things are falling apart now.

They're not.

They're just breaking into pieces.

Just why am I sad?

For this long already?

oh come on..

: : November 12, 2009

written and directed by cort at 12:05 AM.

Hello interwebs, i'm back!

I'm posting this because this blog is so outdated. Just in case someone looks at it, or looks at it again, at least they'd get something fresh, and not just some year old rant. Haha.

And if you're wondering, kamusta na kaya tong gagong to? Wala akong ibang way para malaman kung kamusta na siya kasi di ko alam number niya, di ko alam YM niya, di ko alam kung saan siya nakatira, alam ko lang blog URL niya. Well, you stalker you, this entry's for you.

I'm okay, i guess. Life's been great, and it's kind of exciting to see what life throws at me (or slams on my face), so i don't have any problem getting out of bed and start taking life by the horns, if life was some rabid bull, which, if you think about it, it sometimes is. Sometimes, it seems that it's out to get you, to thrash you about, to rip your heart out in front of a colosseum full of people. But sometimes you just have to ride it, ride it like the bull it is (hahahaha pangit ng metaphor).

Either way, the crowds will cheer when they see your face, either intact, or disfigured. Hehe

 

currently listening to: Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix

oh come on..

"I" (by Samuel Ock) : : November 11, 2009

written and directed by deeflores at 12:17 PM in Personal.

Why cant I do anything
Anything for you
I say that I love you so
Still Im not see-through

Oh, my Lord why must I be
Loving me so selfishly?
Jesus died and made me whole
Yet I dont live for thee

Why cant I just listen close
Closely to your words
In one ear and out it goes
and I speak absurd

God, you pick me up again
Fallen, beaten, bruised in sin
Then I turn my back again
Doing what I choose

Lord, your glory fills the earth
More than thoughts can say
Still I spit right in your face
Still I act okay

Lover of us sinners, you
Ate and broke your bread
We deserved to live your pain
But you still died instead

 

---

.... I'm so sorry. So sorry. Why oh why do I keep hurting you?

oh come on..

They had every right : : November 11, 2009

written and directed by deeflores at 12:10 AM in Personal.

I remember those times when I've always had my fists up ready to shut up the people who are ready to take me down. It seems so far, but I'm not that much wiser or older from where I was. I am at a point in my life where God is becoming more real in every single thing that I do. And slowly, that is transforming my fists into open palm stretched out to surrender.

I'm still making this work in my life. Everyday, God teaches me something that breaks me. He uses painful experiences, struggles within the ministries, and other people to point out what I'm doing wrong. It drains me and makes me cry so hard. Still sometimes I put my fist up until I realize I am stopping God working in me. I am preventing God to shape me to a person that I'm supposed to be.

God maybe using someone to correct me not to hurt me purposely, but to beautifully change me. I used to think that other people don't have the right to call me such and such... but they, the godly Christian people, did and they still do. Because that's when God talks to me. And God has every right to anything.

oh come on..